Do not fall in the approval-seeking game

Isn’t it weird that some women will fight to death over a guy that isn’t really nice or doesn’t even care, while there are dozens of quality men only in the very same venue wishing to be with them and that are capable of fulfilling their desires? Basically, the ideal ingredients for such a fight would be a guy kissing two girls and both of them being approval seekers. They will want to win the guy over just because they will be ashamed if the other female, that could even be her friend, wins the guy over her in front of everybody. That would result in one of the girls losing approval, which can’t be handled by her if she has poor self-esteem and constantly needs a boost from others. A lot of the times that has happened, the girl that “won”, or rather the girl that didn’t abandon the stupid approval-seeking battle, would get tired and detach from the targeted man in no time. It is perfectly explainable: the girl would not be able to appreciate the man’s qualities because what she really was after was the approval from the world surrounding her. She needed proof that she was more beautiful than X to sleep well at night. Don’t fall in that category please. Same goes for men. Don’t expect much to go in your favor relationship-wise if all you wish for is to brag about your dating achievements to the boys in the dressing room.

Do not get attached to a specific outcome or a specific person

The best way to win the competition, is to actually be totally over it. Meaning, you will need to keep in mind at all times that quality men and women are everywhere, and that you have what it takes to have one of them in your life. If you’re interested in someone, just do your own thing, at your own pace. You shouldn’t feel the need to go for the steal in a bar or club simply because your targeted man or woman is getting flirted around all night. If you are really sincere and speak out your interest in getting yourself to know him or her the next day when he/she’s less “occupied”, he or she will be very grateful and you will stand out from the pack. Don’t push your fellow girls and boys around to get to the target, just wait for your time and get a real meeting with your crush during the day for example. Your inner “beast” might want to immediately go for it and eat all other candidates alive, but be patient. Remember that in the case that your crush falls for one of his/her groupies at the bar, it means he or she probably isn’t really worth it anyway. Always be willing to move on and get the person you really deserve by your side.

Focus on the real reasons and motivations for meeting someone instead of competing.

Some people make a great deal of contacts and quality relations from nightclubs, but believing that going out more and more will simply unblock your dating life is wrong. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you! Friends might force you to take that path only because that’s the only why they found in getting their own dating life together in the past.

However, there are other ways that don’t involve the “classic” dating scene such as nightclubs, internet dating and friends matching you with their own personal picks. In fact, not going and thinking about dating like everyone else will make things EASIER for you. Going against the “horde” is how the true dating masters do it. Some dating coaches even avoid nightclubs because they can pull off such great results during their regular day ALONE.

Why do nightclubs and the internet feel so difficult to get real results with, besides having a good time that is? Competition and more importantly distractions, are more present in nightclubs and internet message boxes. People are difficult to get a hold of as everything moves so fast. While yes your friends might force you to compete in these environments, realize you don’t necessarily have to do it to be highly successful at dating. You will probably have a blast going out often and drinking, but realistically, thinking it will fix your dating life is misleading yourself.

What is needed to be done is to be more social and more intelligent with the places you hang out in. Every place where you place your feet during the day can be considered as a potential meeting location. Modify where you hang out during the day to meet the kind of people you want to meet. Put judgement aside and talk to strangers if you see some that you’re interested in.

The strength in making your own way through the dating world resides in not needing “excuses” such as alcohol, music, dancing and the internet shield to talk and meet people.

Don’t be afraid of making simple links to the past

Just making the decision of getting over a certain past event or situation doesn’t mean that you will necessarily never be affected by it again. Your body reacts and avoids painful situations and your mind rationalizes it. Some of the most profound sources for understanding our present behaviours are our childhood and teenage years. The problem is that most people don’t want to look there, at all cost. Nobody seems to want to admit that they’re still affected by something that happened during their childhood or when they were a teenager. Why? The reason is that, as humans, we like to be in total and absolute control of ourselves and our lives. It is quite a shocker for any one of us to realize that we’ve had a behavior for years and years that dictated our entire life, resulting from a single childhood experience. It is a big shocker, but it is also the greatest treasure you can find in order to move forward.

Associate feelings with experiences you’ve already had

Starting on this journey in your past to find out what’s affecting you today may seem like an enormous maze at first, but there are proper techniques to it, and they don’t necessarily require a therapist assisting you. It all comes down to being honest with yourself. First, identify the feeling you’re experiencing when you encounter the situation you have the most trouble with when dealing with men or women. For example, you might experience fear when there’s a necessity to commit to something. Once you know it is indeed the feeling of fear and experience it in your body, try to find an experience in your childhood or when you were a teenager when you experienced fear, more specifically, the oldest ones (they are the purest and deepest experiences) and those that have the most to do with commitment. Realize that your current fear of commitment with men or women might be driven by something that happened with your dad or mother, who are the earliest and most marking male and female figures of your life. Did you feel fear in deceiving your mother or father over a specific event? If you feel like there are associations to be made, make them, accept them, work on them and you will gradually control elements of your character and remove obstacles in your dating preventing you from finding, and more specifically, STAYING with the mate of your dreams.

Start doing permanent self-improvement

It is surely efficient to step your game up when things aren’t going well, but think about what it would be like if you tried improving yourself even during good periods. You might find the tough times to be demanding for your mind and body, but if you took the permanent self-improvement road, it could reduce stress and bring you more fulfillment every day, even if you got turned down a few times this week, so no more bad streaks. A few concrete ways to start doing permanent self-improvement are physical training, seminars, self-improvement DVDs and books, and also finding mentors and icons to be inspired by.

Change what’s around you

It also might not be entirely your fault if your dating life isn’t meeting your expectations. Well, deep down it is entirely your fault, but what is meant here is that you might need to change your environment, social circle, job, etc. There are certainly places, people and situations that are more convenient for successful dating. It all comes down to whether you’re ready to make some changes and if they meet your other life goals in general.

Consider moving to a new city where your type of women or men will be more easily found. Nobody is locking you up in your own town. Don’t find yourself struggling with the girls or guys in your area if they just aren’t what you’re looking for. Open up your mind.

Are your friends people that will really support you in evolving and becoming a better person, or every time you find yourself having success they seem to put you down and not be genuinely happy for you? Also, some people don’t like change altogether, good or bad, so if you want to change and evolve every day, find people that will allow you do so. You can also try to modify your schedule so you do see these motivating people more often than the others.

That one girl that he hasn’t even dated yet.

If you’ve got one of those girls, dating advice isn’t going to help you.  Well, it won’t help you get that girl.  Why?  You’re already doing everything wrong.  You’re letting one woman who you hardly know become a larger-than-life figure in your mind.

I have a friend who asks me for dating advice, and it seems like he’s always got a new girl he’s interested in – and every time he’s interested in them, they become such sweet, caring girls.  Are they all sweet, caring, and just right for him?  Of course not!  But his constant pining for them convinces himself that they’re different women than they actually are.

When he’s no longer under his own spell, he sees that maybe they weren’t such great girls in the first place.

If you’ve got that one girl and it’s brought your love life to a standstill, it’s time to get over her.

You Won’t Get Her

“What?  What kind of dating advice is this?  Why can’t you be optimistic and tell me how to get this girl to go out with me?  Tell me it’s possible.”

Listen, I’m all for optimism and going for girls who you think are out of your league.  But you have to find the reality in between the two attitudes of total pessimism and total optimism.  Total pessimism says that you can’t get this girl, or any other girl for that matter.  Total optimism says you will get this girl and you’ll live happily ever after.

The reality is simple and in between those two extremes:  you’re probably not going to get this girl, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a great girl.

Why won’t you get her?  Because no woman likes being put on a pedestal, unless she’s out to manipulate you into her personal relationship slave.  They want a man who is in control of his live, and by default, that means he’s in control of his love life.  Does a guy with options pine over individual girls and wonder how he’s going to convince them to go out with him?  No!  He’s far too busy having a life. 

If you want to get this girl, you have to cultivate the same attitude. And “Hey!  This dating advice sucks; I want you to tell me exactly how to ask her out, what words to use!” is not the right attitude.

Where to Go From Here

Reading the advice above, you’re probably having one of two reactions.  Either you’re fed up with dating advice that talks about your attitude rather than the actual lines to say, or you’ve accepted what I’ve said and you’re ready to go from here.

If you’re still with me, that’s a good sign.

So where to go from here?  First, cut off all contact with the girl “of your dreams.”  Especially if you’ve been sending her e-mail after e-mail, trying to goad her into sending a response.  Cutting off contact suggests that you’ve found something better to do with your time – and you have.

Next, go out.  Indulge in a social hobby.  Take an improvisation or public speaking class.  Go speed dating.  Do anything that gets you out of the house and talking to other people.

After you’ve built up a little confidence, start finding new women to ask out.  When you do meet a girl that you’re interested in taking out, you might take a look back at “that one girl” and see her in a completely different light.  She might not seem so great anymore.  You’re seeing her without your self-induced spell that made her appear like such a princess to begin with.

Looking back on it, you’ll wonder how on earth you ever fell so hard in the first place.  And you’ll be ready to date someone else.  If you still want “that one girl,” it will take more than one dating article to help you!

Well, it’s time to dispell the myths of rejection and turn you into a social man again.  Here are five reasons rejection can actually be healthy for you.

1.  Humility.  Everybody gets rejected.  You only have to do a YouTube search for the show “Digits” to see an attractive, tall Italian model get rejected by more than one woman.  Many men will simply avoid approaching a girl because it might do damage to their over-inflated ego, which tells them they’re big players that can have any woman they want.  A rejection shows you that you can’t have any woman you want, and that’s a good thing, because it will keep you grounded and humble, if you can cut through your own self-perceptions.

2.  Building confidence.  Once you get rejected bad enough, you might say to yourself “Okay, that was bad, but if that’s as bad as it gets, I think I can handle this whole rejection thing.”  Guess what that builds?  You guessed it: confidence.  But there’s something more:  when you approach a woman because you know it’s the thing you want to do, even though it’s tough, helps you realize that you’re willing to confront your fears, which builds your self-esteem even more.

3.  Dispelling the myth.  As mentioned above, once you face rejection head-on, you’ll realize that it’s not that big of a deal, kind of like riding a roller coaster for the first time.  It might even inspire you to keep approaching new women!

4.  Learning experiences.  When you go to bed the night after a rejection, you might notice that something pops into your head, a sudden epiphany like “Oh!  She must have had a boyfriend!  That’s who that guy was,” or “Maybe if I didn’t say that one thing, she might have been into me.”  That’s called learning, and it will help you approach better the next time.

5.  Decreasing your outcome dependence.  If you get rejected bad enough, eventually you might think “Well, if that’s as bad as it will get, I guess I don’t care too much about the outcome!”  You feel looser and more relaxed as a side-effect of being indifferent to the outcome of any given interaction with a woman, which helps your confidence improve.

-Say yes to the invite!  Of course, you can’t get to the party if you say no to the invitation or come up with some sort of excuse for not attending.  If you’ve ever seen the movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey, you’ll want to embrace this sort of lifestyle.  You don’t have to say yes to every single thing that comes your way, but if you find yourself already shopping for excuses once you receive an invitation to a party, decide that it’s time to exit your comfort zone and say “Yes!”

-Start jabbering as soon as you enter the party.  This is key.  You absolutely need to start the night running, similar to the way you’d want to start a pool party just by jumping in the pool.  It doesn’t matter if you say the wrong things, forget someone’s name, or generally make a fool of yourself – just establish yourself as the kind of person who’s ready to mingle.  Even if all you can muster is a quick “How you doin’?” to the first person you see, then that’s fine.  Just get talking, and eventually you’ll build up enough social momentum to feel like you know everyone there.

-Become interested in other peoples’ lives.  Now, this one comes with a caveat: you don’t want to bore someone to death and make them feel like they’re at a job interview when they’re ready to mingle.  But be willing to ask people about their lives, what they do, or give genuine compliments based on what you notice about them.  Make sure that you genuinely ask what you want to ask:  if someone says that they travel a lot, ask them how they manage to do it!

Following these three steps alone is enough to ramp up your social life, so make sure you stick to them fairly rigidly.  You don’t want to be that guy in the corner, awkwardly holding his drink as everyone else seems to know each other and have a good time.  Become that guy everyone wants to know and you’ll do just fine.

Is he honest in his dealings with other people?

If a man does not display trustworthiness when you see him interacting with others, the likelihood is that he won’t apply integrity to your relationship neither. So if he consistently lies to his friends, makes up fictional excuses and leaves people hanging then he probably isn’t the type of person you should be hanging out with.

Does he admit when he is wrong?

Somebody who always passes the buck and refuses to accept responsibility for their mistakes, however minor, is hardly likely to win the award for Honourable Man of the Year. A guy who gets overly defensive when you try to discuss something you are uncomfortable about is sure to raise your index of suspicion. Owning up to blunders is a sure sign of a strong, upright character and if your guy displays this desirable trait then he is definitely one to stick with.

Is he reliable?

What does reliable actually mean? Dating a boring guy who turns up bang on time and reminds you of your Dad? Hardly! Being reliable simply means doing what you say you will, at the time that you’ve said you will. Sounds easy enough but an astonishing number of people, guys and girls alike, find this incredibly hard. Occasional slip-ups are human, but a boyfriend who lets you down more often than not is probably not the best contender to put your trust in

Has he got an unfavourable past history?

Everyone deserves a second chance, maybe even a third one depending on circumstances. However, if your man has a strong history of being a serial cheater or liar, either in your relationship or his previous ones then the old proverb “a leopard never changes his spots” probably applies.

Unlike love which is generally unconditional, trust has to be earned but it is not easy to gain someone’s confidence if they are not willing to allow you to do so. Remember, putting your faith in someone is not a halfway process; either you do it fully and completely or not at all. So if you feel as though you are onto a winner, banish your fears and give him the opportunity to win you over.

Being honest, how frequently does that familiar excuse come up?  You might say to yourself:  sure, I’d like to be out there more, but my job is sixty hours a week and I simply don’t have the time.

As with many excuses, this is often simply a rationalization for not being proactive with your life.  Want more time on your hands so that you can have a more active social life?  Here’s how.

1.  Cut the junk out of your life.

Many times, time management is about realizing that you do have enough time to get things done – you just have to move some things out of the way.  If you put off going out on a Friday night because you just have to see that one TV show at that one particular time, maybe it’s time to cut TV out of your life.

The principle here is simple:  if something in your life is taking up a lot of your time and not producing a lot of great results for you, cut it out, or at least cut it down.  If you’re wasting two hours on Facebook every night instead of going out, it’s time to cut the junk out of your life.

2.  Do work in batches.

Don’t bring one form of work with you to another form of work.  In other words, chunk the different areas of your life together in order to become more efficient.  Leave the 8 hours a day at the office to the office, and run all of your errands at once.  You’ll find that doing things this way gives you way more free time that you previously filled up by being overly “busy.”

3.  When in doubt, automate.

Have you been working on your time management but still can’t seem to get around to your dating life?  Why not set up an online dating profile and a separate e-mail account to handle it?  You can be receiving e-mails from interested members of the opposite sex while doing your work at the office or while you’re at the gym.  As odd as it sounds, if you do one thing at a time, you can still do two things at once if you automate.

4.  Concentrate on the most important aspects of dating.

If you spend five hours a week on finding new clothes but just one hour actually interacting with new people, you’re not concentrating on the aspects of dating that will bring you the greatest returns.  Instead, ask yourself where most of your dating success has come from, and start focusing on that area more.

5.  Treat your dating life like a business.

If you’re busy at your job, that often means you’re a successful professional.  Why not bring that attitude and track record to your dating life?  You can start treating your dating life like a business by following a few rules:

• Put in regular hours.  Whether you want to or not, get out of the house every Friday and Saturday night and meet new people.
• Keep a contacts list.  Keep track of the people you meet!  You don’t want to forget someone’s name or forget the history you have together.
• Keep a schedule.  Have a schedule for yourself, just like you would at work.  Treat dates like meetings!  Feel free to schedule a “do-nothing” night every once in a while for a bit of rest.

What attracts a guy to a girl? Attractiveness? Definitely. Personality? Certainly. But, more than these things, most guys are impressed by a confident woman. Confidence is the new sexiness, intelligence and beauty all rolled into one. The problem is however, that many women are not confident about themselves, especially when they like a man a lot. Even those women who are confident in other areas of their life can find that this confidence fails them at the most critical moment when they are around men.

So what can you do to help yourself be more confident around that Somebody Special? Well, the simple fact is this; to appear confident, you must actually feel confident within. Many women think that confidence is something that can be faked, but doing this will only get you so far; eventually all your insecurities will rise to the surface. True confidence will reflect itself in your body language, the way you respond to other people and even in the way you look.

Without confidence, even the most beautiful, intelligent and wittiest of women would be at a loss. Confidence is an ingredient that is crucial if a relationship is to develop and progress beyond the first few dates so it pays to invest a bit of time on building yours up. Easier said than done? Not at all. Follow our four-step plan and get on your way to boosting your confidence around men.

1. Face your fears

What is it that makes you feel unconfident when you are around a guy? Is it the fear of being rejected? The fear of not being good enough, attractive enough, funny enough? Identifying what you are afraid of is a massive leap in the quest for gaining confidence. If you know what causes you to be unconfident, it is easier to tackle this issue; as its said: “Better the devil you know!”

2. Realise that you are not alone

Even the most self-assured person feels unconfident in relationships at one time or another. Not only is it normal to feel insecure in certain situations, it is human. So be kind to yourself, allow yourself to have your insecurities but don‘t dwell on them; recognise them and then move on. The chances are, the guy you are dating will also have something they feel insecure about.

3. Accept failure

It is important to realise that not all men like every woman, confident or otherwise. Don’t take rejection personally and don’t let it dent your expanding confidence. If everybody got married and settled down with the first man they met, the world would be a really boring place.

4. Practise, practise, practice…

Despite not being able to feign confidence, you can learn it and nurture it. The best way to do this is to relax when you are in social situations; focus on the man you are with and really listen to what he is saying instead of worrying about how you may appear to him. Just be aware that other people do not know what you are feeling on the inside, only you do. If you act confident, it will help you feel confident too. Before too long, you will find you are having to act less and less and that confidence just comes to you as naturally as incontinence once did.