Hotty Matcher

When trying to find a relationship or meeting new people, there seems to be common advice we get all the time from the people around us. We all get told to go to bars because that’s where attractive singles all hang out. “Get out!” might be the first advice you get from your friend when you confess about your lack of success with men or women, only to find yourself days later hanging out in a nightclub where you feel uncomfortable and out of place, having interactions leading to nonsense and no real relationships or friendships.

Some people make a great deal of contacts and quality relations from nightclubs, but believing that going out more and more will simply unblock your dating life is wrong. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you! Friends might force you to take that path only because that’s the only why they found in getting their own dating life together in the past.

However, there are other ways that don’t involve the “classic” dating scene such as nightclubs, internet dating and friends matching you with their own personal picks. In fact, not going and thinking about dating like everyone else will make things EASIER for you. Going against the “horde” is how the true dating masters do it. Some dating coaches even avoid nightclubs because they can pull off such great results during their regular day ALONE.

Why do nightclubs and the internet feel so difficult to get real results with, besides having a good time that is? Competition and more importantly distractions, are more present in nightclubs and internet message boxes. People are difficult to get a hold of as everything moves so fast. While yes your friends might force you to compete in these environments, realize you don’t necessarily have to do it to be highly successful at dating. You will probably have a blast going out often and drinking, but realistically, thinking it will fix your dating life is misleading yourself.

What is needed to be done is to be more social and more intelligent with the places you hang out in. Every place where you place your feet during the day can be considered as a potential meeting location. Modify where you hang out during the day to meet the kind of people you want to meet. Put judgement aside and talk to strangers if you see some that you’re interested in.

The strength in making your own way through the dating world resides in not needing “excuses” such as alcohol, music, dancing and the internet shield to talk and meet people.

Most of the blocks and obstacles we encounter in our dating life and relationships are related to our past experiences. Nothing is simpler than sex and love, but when our mind, fears and past get in the way, those two can get extremely complex. Fears, insecurities and emotions aren’t things you can put aside for the rest of your life. If you do, they will come up at the worst possible time, probably in the most important relationship, where you want to spend your entire life with that person and put everything on the table. You must understand their roots to deal with them. If you’re asking yourself “Why am I always getting upset about this, scaring my man or woman away?” dig in your past a bit to better understand what’s driving your behaviours.

Don’t be afraid of making simple links to the past

Just making the decision of getting over a certain past event or situation doesn’t mean that you will necessarily never be affected by it again. Your body reacts and avoids painful situations and your mind rationalizes it. Some of the most profound sources for understanding our present behaviours are our childhood and teenage years. The problem is that most people don’t want to look there, at all cost. Nobody seems to want to admit that they’re still affected by something that happened during their childhood or when they were a teenager. Why? The reason is that, as humans, we like to be in total and absolute control of ourselves and our lives. It is quite a shocker for any one of us to realize that we’ve had a behavior for years and years that dictated our entire life, resulting from a single childhood experience. It is a big shocker, but it is also the greatest treasure you can find in order to move forward.

Associate feelings with experiences you’ve already had

Starting on this journey in your past to find out what’s affecting you today may seem like an enormous maze at first, but there are proper techniques to it, and they don’t necessarily require a therapist assisting you. It all comes down to being honest with yourself. First, identify the feeling you’re experiencing when you encounter the situation you have the most trouble with when dealing with men or women. For example, you might experience fear when there’s a necessity to commit to something. Once you know it is indeed the feeling of fear and experience it in your body, try to find an experience in your childhood or when you were a teenager when you experienced fear, more specifically, the oldest ones (they are the purest and deepest experiences) and those that have the most to do with commitment. Realize that your current fear of commitment with men or women might be driven by something that happened with your dad or mother, who are the earliest and most marking male and female figures of your life. Did you feel fear in deceiving your mother or father over a specific event? If you feel like there are associations to be made, make them, accept them, work on them and you will gradually control elements of your character and remove obstacles in your dating preventing you from finding, and more specifically, STAYING with the mate of your dreams.

 Do you feel like you’re stuck in a vicious circle where everything turns out to be the same in your dating life? Do you find yourself thinking that you are inappropriate for this or that everything is bringing you down? You are not alone, and there are new ways you can think to change your dating life around. It is all about expanding your mind and exploring new roads to success. Here is the ideal mindset broken down into two great tips you should never forget when things don’t go your way in your dating life. 

Start doing permanent self-improvement

It is surely efficient to step your game up when things aren’t going well, but think about what it would be like if you tried improving yourself even during good periods. You might find the tough times to be demanding for your mind and body, but if you took the permanent self-improvement road, it could reduce stress and bring you more fulfillment every day, even if you got turned down a few times this week, so no more bad streaks. A few concrete ways to start doing permanent self-improvement are physical training, seminars, self-improvement DVDs and books, and also finding mentors and icons to be inspired by.

Change what’s around you

It also might not be entirely your fault if your dating life isn’t meeting your expectations. Well, deep down it is entirely your fault, but what is meant here is that you might need to change your environment, social circle, job, etc. There are certainly places, people and situations that are more convenient for successful dating. It all comes down to whether you’re ready to make some changes and if they meet your other life goals in general.

Consider moving to a new city where your type of women or men will be more easily found. Nobody is locking you up in your own town. Don’t find yourself struggling with the girls or guys in your area if they just aren’t what you’re looking for. Open up your mind.

Are your friends people that will really support you in evolving and becoming a better person, or every time you find yourself having success they seem to put you down and not be genuinely happy for you? Also, some people don’t like change altogether, good or bad, so if you want to change and evolve every day, find people that will allow you do so. You can also try to modify your schedule so you do see these motivating people more often than the others.

Every guy who seeks dating advice seems to have “that one special girl.”  That one girl who he really wants to date right now.  That one girl who seems so sweet and just right for him. 

That one girl that he hasn’t even dated yet.

If you’ve got one of those girls, dating advice isn’t going to help you.  Well, it won’t help you get that girl.  Why?  You’re already doing everything wrong.  You’re letting one woman who you hardly know become a larger-than-life figure in your mind.

I have a friend who asks me for dating advice, and it seems like he’s always got a new girl he’s interested in – and every time he’s interested in them, they become such sweet, caring girls.  Are they all sweet, caring, and just right for him?  Of course not!  But his constant pining for them convinces himself that they’re different women than they actually are.

When he’s no longer under his own spell, he sees that maybe they weren’t such great girls in the first place.

If you’ve got that one girl and it’s brought your love life to a standstill, it’s time to get over her.

You Won’t Get Her

“What?  What kind of dating advice is this?  Why can’t you be optimistic and tell me how to get this girl to go out with me?  Tell me it’s possible.”

Listen, I’m all for optimism and going for girls who you think are out of your league.  But you have to find the reality in between the two attitudes of total pessimism and total optimism.  Total pessimism says that you can’t get this girl, or any other girl for that matter.  Total optimism says you will get this girl and you’ll live happily ever after.

The reality is simple and in between those two extremes:  you’re probably not going to get this girl, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a great girl.

Why won’t you get her?  Because no woman likes being put on a pedestal, unless she’s out to manipulate you into her personal relationship slave.  They want a man who is in control of his live, and by default, that means he’s in control of his love life.  Does a guy with options pine over individual girls and wonder how he’s going to convince them to go out with him?  No!  He’s far too busy having a life. 

If you want to get this girl, you have to cultivate the same attitude. And “Hey!  This dating advice sucks; I want you to tell me exactly how to ask her out, what words to use!” is not the right attitude.

Where to Go From Here

Reading the advice above, you’re probably having one of two reactions.  Either you’re fed up with dating advice that talks about your attitude rather than the actual lines to say, or you’ve accepted what I’ve said and you’re ready to go from here.

If you’re still with me, that’s a good sign.

So where to go from here?  First, cut off all contact with the girl “of your dreams.”  Especially if you’ve been sending her e-mail after e-mail, trying to goad her into sending a response.  Cutting off contact suggests that you’ve found something better to do with your time – and you have.

Next, go out.  Indulge in a social hobby.  Take an improvisation or public speaking class.  Go speed dating.  Do anything that gets you out of the house and talking to other people.

After you’ve built up a little confidence, start finding new women to ask out.  When you do meet a girl that you’re interested in taking out, you might take a look back at “that one girl” and see her in a completely different light.  She might not seem so great anymore.  You’re seeing her without your self-induced spell that made her appear like such a princess to begin with.

Looking back on it, you’ll wonder how on earth you ever fell so hard in the first place.  And you’ll be ready to date someone else.  If you still want “that one girl,” it will take more than one dating article to help you!

Rejection.  That word is enough to scare off many a would-be suitor to any beautiful woman, shunning them before they even have a chance to approach a girl and find out if they could have been a match.  Too many men let the thought of rejection run their life, when they should really be concerned about how to take the right action and approach a woman they’re attracted to even if they believe they might fail.

Well, it’s time to dispell the myths of rejection and turn you into a social man again.  Here are five reasons rejection can actually be healthy for you.

1.  Humility.  Everybody gets rejected.  You only have to do a YouTube search for the show “Digits” to see an attractive, tall Italian model get rejected by more than one woman.  Many men will simply avoid approaching a girl because it might do damage to their over-inflated ego, which tells them they’re big players that can have any woman they want.  A rejection shows you that you can’t have any woman you want, and that’s a good thing, because it will keep you grounded and humble, if you can cut through your own self-perceptions.

2.  Building confidence.  Once you get rejected bad enough, you might say to yourself “Okay, that was bad, but if that’s as bad as it gets, I think I can handle this whole rejection thing.”  Guess what that builds?  You guessed it: confidence.  But there’s something more:  when you approach a woman because you know it’s the thing you want to do, even though it’s tough, helps you realize that you’re willing to confront your fears, which builds your self-esteem even more.

3.  Dispelling the myth.  As mentioned above, once you face rejection head-on, you’ll realize that it’s not that big of a deal, kind of like riding a roller coaster for the first time.  It might even inspire you to keep approaching new women!

4.  Learning experiences.  When you go to bed the night after a rejection, you might notice that something pops into your head, a sudden epiphany like “Oh!  She must have had a boyfriend!  That’s who that guy was,” or “Maybe if I didn’t say that one thing, she might have been into me.”  That’s called learning, and it will help you approach better the next time.

5.  Decreasing your outcome dependence.  If you get rejected bad enough, eventually you might think “Well, if that’s as bad as it will get, I guess I don’t care too much about the outcome!”  You feel looser and more relaxed as a side-effect of being indifferent to the outcome of any given interaction with a woman, which helps your confidence improve.

When the winter season hits, many people stop going out and start ordering in – and this means that you’ll probably find yourself in someone’s house or apartment before the weather starts to warm up again.  If you’ve always been the awkward type, not the kind of person who’s spotted mingling with strangers or acquaintances, then this article is the one for you: here are some sure-fire tips to help you mingle at your next party.

-Say yes to the invite!  Of course, you can’t get to the party if you say no to the invitation or come up with some sort of excuse for not attending.  If you’ve ever seen the movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey, you’ll want to embrace this sort of lifestyle.  You don’t have to say yes to every single thing that comes your way, but if you find yourself already shopping for excuses once you receive an invitation to a party, decide that it’s time to exit your comfort zone and say “Yes!”

-Start jabbering as soon as you enter the party.  This is key.  You absolutely need to start the night running, similar to the way you’d want to start a pool party just by jumping in the pool.  It doesn’t matter if you say the wrong things, forget someone’s name, or generally make a fool of yourself – just establish yourself as the kind of person who’s ready to mingle.  Even if all you can muster is a quick “How you doin’?” to the first person you see, then that’s fine.  Just get talking, and eventually you’ll build up enough social momentum to feel like you know everyone there.

-Become interested in other peoples’ lives.  Now, this one comes with a caveat: you don’t want to bore someone to death and make them feel like they’re at a job interview when they’re ready to mingle.  But be willing to ask people about their lives, what they do, or give genuine compliments based on what you notice about them.  Make sure that you genuinely ask what you want to ask:  if someone says that they travel a lot, ask them how they manage to do it!

Following these three steps alone is enough to ramp up your social life, so make sure you stick to them fairly rigidly.  You don’t want to be that guy in the corner, awkwardly holding his drink as everyone else seems to know each other and have a good time.  Become that guy everyone wants to know and you’ll do just fine.

Aren’t women supposed to like shy guys? Aren’t they supposed to value the fact that they listen more than they speak because after all, silence is golden isn‘t it? Yes, generally speaking, shyness is a quality that many women find endearing and attractive in a guy who they date, and some women even relish the challenge of bringing Mr Shy out of his shell. Conversely however, it is shyness that gets in the way of a relationship getting off the ground because it often masks a person’s true personality and makes them nervous and uncomfortable particularly around those of the opposite sex.

Dating can be a real ordeal for bashful guys, particularly where first dates are concerned. Shyness is often at its worst when dealing with the unknown but on the bright side, most men do find that it does subside considerably with familiarity. So try the tips here to help you ride out this initial rocky road and make sure your date sees the best of you.

Dress to impress

If you like what you see in the mirror it will automatically give you a massive boost in your confidence and dispel some of your shyness. As they say, if you look the part and feel the part, you are a whole lot likelier to act the part so really make an effort here.

Honesty goes a long way

One of the major problems with timidity is that it can often be mistaken by women for indifference. The worst thing you want to do on a first date is give the impression that you’re not interested and that you have nothing whatsoever to say to her. Often, just letting your date know that you are shy can be a brilliant way of breaking the ice and of allowing her to understand you a bit better. Most men go to great lengths to hide their shyness so this is a really difficult thing to do, but it takes guts and women will respect you for it.

Choose your date partner wisely

For most shy guys, blind dating is not the best idea. Instead try to date someone you know; a work colleague, a friend of a friend, an old classmate. The more common ground you share with a woman, the more at-ease you are likely to be during the date and the more certain you can be that the girl is not intimidating.

Think about the location

Making sure your date takes place somewhere that you feel comfortable is very helpful. Great date locations include theatres, parks or zoos, art galleries and places where you can engage in an active task such as bowling or mini-golf. Best avoided are stuffy restaurants, pubs and clubs. Basically, the more interesting your location, the less you will have to talk to fill in the empty gaps. More importantly, suggesting a location shows a woman that you are capable of taking the initiative; definitely a highly rated trait.

Keep it short

Setting your meeting within a limited space of time can be helpful as it is easy for you to get away if the situation gets difficult. Meeting for lunch or coffee is a good plan and, if the date is successful, you can always make the second meeting longer.

Never forget that dating is an art and the more you practice it, the more confident you will become. It is not about faking it or pretending to be someone you are not. To be shy is to be human as long as you don’t let it take over and detract from who you are. So get over it, get out there and get dating.

Are you divorced or widowed or just otherwise newly single? Would you like to meet your soul mate but are just too terrified of taking the plunge back into the World of dating? Well, you will probably be surprised to learn that you are not alone: every year, millions of people start dating again after a long time of being out of the game for whatever reason. As with anything, preparation is the key to success and here we outline five crucial steps to take to ensure you have a pleasant introduction back into modern dating.

1. Lose the baggage

There is very little point in dating if you are still hung up over your previous relationship. Before you can move on with your life, you have to come to terms and deal with what has gone on previously otherwise you risk bringing negativity into any new relationships that you may form.

2. Feel good about yourself

Self esteem often takes a battering following a break-up of a previous relationship or the loss of a partner and most people emerge out of the other end not feeling too great about themselves. Low self esteem usually comes hand in hand with reduced confidence and this in turn affects how you interact with and how you are perceived by others. Heal yourself emotionally by renewing your friend circle, setting yourself new challenges and trying different things.

3. Prime yourself physically

Looking your best when setting out to meet someone new is important because it will boost your self confidence. That doesn’t mean looking like a supermodel, but if you need to lose a pound or two to make you feel more comfortable in your clothes, then so be it; the effort will be worth it in all walks of your life, not just dating.

4. Know what your goals are

Are you dating in the hope of meeting your soul mate and entering into another long term relationship with them, or do you simply just want to meet new people and have fun? Being clear about what you ultimately hope to achieve from the whole dating experience leaves you better able to plan and structure dates to fulfil your aims.

5. Get a life

You can’t just sit at home expecting a date to just present itself to you on a plate; unless you happen to be extraordinarily lucky, it just isn’t going to happen that way. Instead make an effort to go out with friends, pursue your hobbies or even take up evening classes. Not only will this help you to relax socially and broaden your horizons but you will meet more people and increase your chances of getting a date.

If you’ve ever been on a blind date, then you know what it’s like to be matched up with someone you’ve never met.  It’s not easy.  Not only do you have the pressure of making a date work with a total stranger, but you have to tell your matchmaking friends how it went afterwards!  Needless to say, this isn’t always the most ideal situation for your true personality to emerge and chemistry to be ignited.  So how can it be done?  Follow these short and simple rules and you’ll be headed in the right direction.

No silence allowed.  Awkward pauses are okay at the end of the date, when you’re pondering over whether or not to kiss her, but if there are any awkward pauses in the first fifteen minutes or so, it can steer things in the wrong direction.  “Oh no,” you both think, “here we go again.”  It’s better to say something – anything – in those awkward pauses.  Ask her about her career, her family, her interests.  Just get the words out of your mouth!

Don’t get fancy.  Don’t be the guy showing up to her house with a handful of balloons.  Surprises can be fun, but you don’t know if the girl likes surprises until you’ve met her. Don’t get too fancy:  first, show her that you have some basic social sense by making direct eye contact, smiling at the appropriate times, and not overcompensating for anything because you’re too nervous.

What’s your hobby?  Tell me a hobby you have.  Go ahead, say it out loud.  If all you could muster was a “uh…uh…” then how do you think your small talk will go on a blind date?  If, however you instantly could say “windsurfing!  I love getting exercise while flying around on the water,” then you’re probably the kind of person who’s good with small talk.  If you don’t have a life, get one – quick.

Don’t be afraid to talk, talk, talk.  When you’re with someone you know very well, you don’t hold back and act nervous, do you?  No; you usually say the first thing that comes to mind.  Treat the blind date the same way;  if you treat the girl as someone you’ve known for a long time, she’s going to feel that and become more comfortable around you, as well.  You can’t expect her to take the lead, so make it happen yourself.  If she looks great, tell her she looks great.  If you think her job sounds exciting, tell her that.  Holding back will only hold you back.

Since the beginning of time, or at least since the concept of dating has been around, one of the fundamental rules in the Singleton’s Bible is “Thou shalt not date your best friend”.  Read any dating advice column and you will be warned about the perils of getting yourself embroiled in a relationship with your friend, neighbour or work colleague. However, if you are determined to take your relationship with your nearest and dearest to new heights, we offer some helpful advice to get you off to a good start.

Be prepared to lose what you’ve got

Whether you end up in the worst case scenario or the best case scenario, you will still lose what you had before you started dating. Even if your life as a couple is a huge success, the days where you could bitch endlessly to him about your boyfriend will inevitably be gone forever and you may even find it hard doing some of the other activities you used to share previously as friends. Accepting that this is going to happen will enable you to have more realistic expectations from your relationship and help you adjust to being her boyfriend a bit better.

Expect some awkwardness

Even if you are both very strongly attracted to each other, being a couple is likely to feel odd at the start especially when you are around your a set of mutual friends or work colleagues. Be a little bit sensitive as to how others may perceive you at this stage to avoid isolating people and making them feel as though they are intruding on a private members-only party.

Respect each other’s space

Even though you were previously friends, being a couple doesn’t necessarily mean having to now spend every waking moment together. If he wants to go off and do his own thing or see some friends without you, don’t be offended: you need to have a balanced relationship and doing things independently will give you both some breathing space and stop things between you from getting stale.

Don’t take things for granted

Even though you probably know almost everything there is to know about him, you still need to make the effort to find out even more; this time from a girlfriend’s objective. In the same way, don’t expect him to be able to read your mind or anticipate your needs like he perhaps used to when he was just a friend and had a completely different role in your life. Expect to have to learn new ways of communicating with each other and keeping the mystery and intrigue alive. Remember, you are on a whole new territory now as a couple so a whole new set of rules apply.